With the election in full swing and Thanksgiving just around the corner, it’s inevitable that a good portion of people are starting to dread the inevitable dinner conversations with relatives about the politics of today. It can be nerve wracking, but here are five easy ways to avoid talking about politics with the family this year.
Just don’t go
The simplest and safest of all the options on this list, this year is easier than ever to get out of going to dinner. With the pandemic raging on, it’s not out of the realm of possibility that you “suddenly” came down with a case of COVID-19 or a fear of a non-socially distanced gathering. Why talk about the election when you can cuddle up with your blanket and enjoy whatever they’re planning for the Macy’s Day Parade?
Side-step the question
If you aren’t able to get out of it and must go, the easiest way to avoid talking politics is to get the heck out of dodge. Throw someone under the bus, make a nifty segway into something else you can discuss or give that relative a compliment that they can swoon over. Have you ever played with a cat before? They love those things where there’s a ball attached to a string. Your relative is the cat trying to talk about politics. All you need to do is dangle that bait in front of them, watch them get distracted and boom, you have avoided talking about politics for another day.
Torch them with a flamethrower
You’ve tried to call off sick and have tried to avoid the questions, but nothing is working. So, what now? Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. One of your last remaining options is simply torching this particular relative with a flamethrower. Tell everyone in the family you and Uncle Joe are going to go in the other room for a second. The family will chalk up the agonizing screams of terror to the neighbors’ raucous party, and they’ll smell the third degree burns and assume the turkey is finished. Anyways, if you happen to have your friendly flamethrower in your backpocket on this particular evening, this would be a fun alternative option.
Poison the apple pie
Apple Pie is a warm tradition on Thanksgiving days. However, if one of your relatives starts talking politics with you, a new tradition begins: death. In this instance, you would be wiping out the entire family at once in order to prevent the conversations from even happening. And as they choke, you’ll sit in your nice, comfy chair devouring your stuffing peacefully like the obviously non-psychopath that you are.
Drop a nuke
Nothing has worked. You’ve torched all your relatives to a crisp. You’ve poised on the apple pie, and yet, nothing is going according to plan. There’s only one true way you can prevent your family from ever talking politics again: dropping an atomic bomb. Sure, you’d wipe out the entire human population in the process, along with yourself, but it’s worth it to never hear your grandpa say something that you’re going to regret hearing.