Editor’s note: This is a satirical piece. Please enjoy. Dalè.
2020 has been an objectively tough year. The Western U.S. Coast is on fire, social and racial injustice are as prevalent as ever and we are in the middle of a pandemic the likes of which we haven’t seen in generations. Making matters worse is the upcoming election, where the candidates and their running mates are being criticized right and left. With all that and then some, it almost feels like the daily news cycle is dominated by villains. America needs a hero. Enter Pitbull.
While it might seem odd to restrict someone who refers to himself as Mr. Worldwide to just one place, the United States of America could really use some of that classic Dade County flair. Having been a rapper since 2001, the artist formerly known as Chihuahua had his most successful decade yet in the 2010s. With multiple albums getting reviews of 4.1 — out of 4.1, obviously — on Metacritic and a sponsorship deal with Bud Light, the master of the fist pump sure kept all of his 23 true fans satisfied during the decade.
Now, with a new decade starting and the songbird of his generation pushing 40, Pitbull can only be seen guest starring in Boost Mobile commercials. That’s all well and good, but now is the time for the best Cuban export since cigars to take on some more responsibility for the good of the people. A run for president is the only logical step.
The reasons Pitbull should run are numerous. First of all, he has such a way with words. This is the same wordsmith that so eloquently said, “And the mama is like wow … And the booty’s like bang, bang, bang … I don’t bring sand to the beach … Bring the beach to the sand,” on the just as eloquently titled song, “Sexy Beaches.”
Now just imagine that type of charisma in front of a podium. Also, Pitbull doesn’t even have to run as a part of a political party. The only party Pitbull truly believes in is one that doesn’t stop, and some of that fun-loving ideology is much needed in a two-party system where arguments are rampantly happening. Oh, and he also believes in the death penalty. Not to mention Pitbull graduated from Harvard University at the top of his class and was captain of the debate team, and those are not at all facts that I just made up to make him sound more qualified.
At the end of the day, though, one of the main reasons Pitbull needs to run is obvious: the oval office is in desperate need of some sex appeal. The White House has not had an undeniably sexy president since the days of Grover Cleveland, and that lack of beauty has really taken its toll on the country. Pitbull would help solve such an issue as he is, clearly, the hottest man alive. Never before have dance moves been so seductive, or a bald head been so shiny.
Imagine the scenario: North Korea is about to nuke us. They’re locked and loaded and ready to blow our entire country into smithereens. But then, the phone rings. Who could it be at this hour? It’s a Facetime request from President Pitbull. They answer it. Pitbull’s beautiful face fills the screen, and with a calm whisper, Mr. Bull says, “Don’t blow up the country, baby.” A single tear begins to stream down his face … then North Korea blows us up anyways. His good looks may not have saved us, but damn did we look handsome in defeat.
The time for arguments is done, and the time for stepping up is now. So what if it’s technically too late for him to be placed on any of the ballots? This being a bad idea? Yeah right. Picture that with a Kodak. Or better yet! Go to Times Square, and take a picture of me with a Kodak. Boost Mobile may be paying him the big bucks to be their celebrity spokesperson, but right now the country could use a real boost. Pitbull is the most unproblematic candidate who could possibly run, and if the man runs the country the same way he makes club music, it can’t be wrong. Pitbull 2020 is the future. In Dalè we trust.