I didn’t watch the Grammys this year. I wish I could tell you that it was all a part of an elaborate boycott on behalf of the artists that got screwed out of the academy’s “prestigious” recognition with each passing year, but in all reality I just genuinely forgot it was on. That didn’t stop me from hearing about all the festivities, though. Twitter was ablaze with chatter as the ceremony commenced, and I came away with one conclusion. Not congratulations for Beyoncè for, well, being Beyoncè. Not for Billie Eilish winning Record of the Year off the strength of a song that I honestly can’t tell you what the title is. And certainly not for Megan Thee Stallion for winning Best New Stallion. No, I came away with a different conclusion: Harry Styles must be stopped.
The man is too handsome. All night, all I heard from females across the world was about how it’s impossible for a man to be that “hot.” I was this close to calling the police on them. All that lust for someone who has a butterfly tattooed on his torso. Everybody knows that the only insect that’ll get you laid is a grasshopper. That’s the rule! What makes him so special, anyways? His name is Harry, but he’s not even that hairy. We should be referring to him as “Moderately Harry Styles.” I’m not saying that makes him a liar, but it’s blatant false advertising. Not to mention, he comes from a boy band called One Direction. What if I want to go in another direction, Harry? What are you going to do about it? This is why people liked Fleetwood Mac. They told us we could go our own way and they didn’t force us to go anywhere we weren’t comfortable going, you cute little heathen.
Look, speaking as a man who has only had three girlfriends - if we count middle school - no man should be getting that amount of praise for their looks. I’m handsome too, where’s all my praise? What’s important is not what’s on the outside, but what’s on the inside. Sure, he might look pretty, but what if I told you I saw him kicking a puppy the other day? Now, that’s not true, but if it was would he still be considered as beautiful as he is now? Probably, but still!
In the end, here’s my advice: Mr. Styles, give it a rest. We get it. You’re a gorgeous man. Stop it. Save some women for the rest of us you prissy old twit. If not, you will leave me with no choice. I will kidnap you and force you to listen to Coldplay.
You have 24 hours.